Good v Evil

Today while in the library a little boy went missing. His mother obviously panicked and it took a few minutes for people to realise what was happening.

This little boy was missing less then ten minutes, but within that time people dropped what they were doing a and looked for him. Strangers felt this mothers terror with her. Everywhere I looked there was at least one other person looking with me, the staff searched behind locked doors, there where people out on the street. And then he was found, his mother had him back. People in the library looked at each other in genuine relief and spread the word  to those still looking. All this made me think. We hear all the time about the evil in the world. Every person in that building was concerned because we know that real monsters exist. That there are people out there who would do unspeakable things to a child if they had that opportunity. Because of that knowledge they looked, they did what they could to protect a child they didn't know from a threat that was only possible. What is that if not good? Maybe the knowledge of monsters does not just expose the evil in the world but also the good. Fifty years ago when people didn't acknowledge child abuse would the reaction have been the same?

There is a saying, "forewarned is forearmed" and now we are forewarned. However the way we seem to arn ourselves is to shut ourselves off from the good as well as the bad. We no longer (if we ever) see the good people do. The everyday kindnesses of others. After the library I walked past McDonald's, there was a man who worked there holding the door open for and old lady. It was his expression that struck me, he wasn't doing it because he had to, he did it joyfully. When the woman walked past she stopped and thanked him, calling him a gentleman. Is not this ability to give to other, to empathise and show kindness or concern for our fellow man not what we should focus on when we describe humanity. To expose and revere the good that can be done, as well as facing the truth of  the bad. I say this because I sometimes feel that knowing bad things happen and not being entirely confident in the good creates fear, in myself anyway.

Another very recent experience springs to mind, yesterday I was standing outside, there was an older woman near me and a group of four or five young people. One of the young men dropped a piece of litter on the ground even though there was a bin right beside him. The older woman immediately chastised him and told him to pick it up and put it in the bin. He did, with bad grace and then he and his friends began to insult her, not directly to her but to each other. The thing that struck me most at the time was that she had spoken up in the first place. Now thinking in reference to this subject I realise I should have supported her. She was right and he was wrong and then they where mean and rude. I should have told them to stop insulting her, it was disrespectful and way out of order. But I didn't, I felt fear, fear of conflict, fear of what might happen if I did. If I had though, and if other decent people did the same in similar situations would that not create a society where treating others so disrespectfully would become unacceptable? Is the risk worth the reward? Should we risk physical and verbal abuse in order to support each other? Should we put what is good and right before ourselves in order to create a place where we all feel safer and more secure in ourselves? Is our fear just self preservation against the rising tide or is it the thing stopping us from holding that tide back from becoming a tsunami?

I wonder if we have damned ourselves to powerlessness out of not knowing what is acceptable. I for one strain against what I view as immoral out of lack of confidence that I am right. I sometimes think that we are in an age where morality and 'right' are no longer clearly defined. The ages before us had religion, but that is dying out, we are expected to obey the law but it is not always relevant to our daily experiences. Is it not now the age when our education and knowledge should be put to a logical and practical use by defining, not through law or religious beliefs what we as people deem acceptable. Rather then being out for ourselves, focusing on the one rather then the many, rather then relying on a government and legal structure that cannot be expected to hold our hands and fix every little thing. Rather then letting someone else worry about it. Should we not take back the power? Take back control of our country and say I've had enough, I've had enough fear, enough uncertainty and enough disillusion, now I want more, I want better then yesterday. I want to be able to leave my bag beside me and look away knowing that even if one person in the room is a thief, the others will will stop them if they try to steal. I want to be able to walk home at night knowing that if I am attacked passers by will help me. There is safety in numbers and the good outnumber the bad. So maybe we should stop cowering from the bad, come out from under the covers and face our monsters head on. I know that if I saw more people do the right thing I would feel empowered to do the same. I am resolving to try and lead by example. I am not guaranteeing success, I may find the fear is stronger then my desire to do right. I may just be an idealistic fool, who is dreaming of something that cannot be. However I will hold onto the last thing left in the Pandora's box that is our world. Hope. 

Inspired by 50 shades of grey!

The whole 50 shades of gray frenzy. Every day for the past month or two I’ve seen posts about this book, some of them have been reviews of the book but most have been insulting people who’ve read it and enjoyed it. I haven’t read it, people who’s opinions I trust say it’s juvenile and abusive however, many women seem to have connected with that so each to their own.

All the posts though have got me thinking, most of them have been by women, most have been scathing and belittling. Most have criticised the book as porn and mocked those who’ve enjoyed it. Here’s the thing, for all our talk of ‘sexual liberation’ we have, for the most part had that liberation within the parameters of the male fantasy, it’s understandable, men have been (for right or for wrong) placed in the role of being more sexual then women. As it has been more acceptable for men to express their sexual impulses publicly the response has been mainly geared towards men. What I mean by that is magazines like playboy, porn movies etc. are made with men in mind (obviously). As women we have been expected to toe the line, yes sexual liberation has been marginally accepted for us but mostly it’s so long as we fall within the expectations already drawn out by the bog standard ‘male fantasy’. I know some of my female friends fall quiet nicely into this very select group but I’m not one of them. And quiet frankly as a teenager it made me feel inadequate, I did feel pressure to be ‘sexy’ when that image makes me feel anything but. I’m not a porn star and I never will be, I don’t want to use my body as currency. However, I am human, I want to feel attractive and the false image of beauty can make that very difficult for those of us who would rather be seen as we really are.

What some of you will know is more then making young girls feel inadequate, I find the ‘barbie doll’ image offensive. The only part of an mma fight I can’t stand is having to watch girls walking round in their underwear with their knickers shoved so far up their bum they probably shouldn’t have bothered wearing them. I’d be all for it if I’d ever seen any of them with any expression other then ‘sexy pout’ on their faces, then I might consider they actually enjoy it. As it is all I can think of is that having a few hundred men wolf whistle at them gives them some sense of self worth. But it’s their life and their body so I will put up with it, even if I don’t like it. It’s the same with porn, over maculating men and objectifying women. Before anyone argues with me sit down and actually look at the women in porn, do they look like their enjoying it? Or do they look like a sex doll that happens to scream at just the right moment? Again it is offensive, not just to women by the way but to men too. It is degrading to both genders to think that men don’t care if the woman he’s having sex with actually enjoys it (there’s a word for men like that and it’s not nice) and belittles women to being nothing more then a doll with no desire or emotion of her own. It is, quiet frankly, the rape fantasy with an illusion of consent and it disgusts me. Whenever I’ve had this argument with people they always say “but she chooses to do it”, they have a point, some of those women do. What these so called liberals don’t like to ask is why. Did it never occur to them that maybe those women choose to do it out of some false idea of gaining self worth through the fantasy of men? Does it ever occur to some women that by adhering to this prescribed fantasy we are condemning ourselves to a future of inequality and the inability to live up to such fantasies? When is it our time to place our own fantasies, our own desires before that of the male population, most of whom we never have and never will meet?

Which brings me to fifty shades of grey. It is I am reliably informed drivel yes. However it is a fantasy, an abusive and aggressive fantasy that doesn’t sound like my cup of tea at all but let’s, for a second (and at the risk of sounding hypocritical) look at what this book could represent. For years there has been women’s novels, these book have had the pretext of being ‘love stories’ or ‘one woman’s rise to power’ but let’s be honest, most of them have some pretty epic sex scenes, which is part of the draw. The difference is that FSG has been publicly outed. Everyone who sees a woman reading it knows what she’s reading. And that holds power, we can now place women at the forefront of sexual liberation, we can say “this is our fantasy, this is how we explore our desires”, and hopefully now this book has been outed other writers will take courage (or revenge) and write something good. Because I know, that most women don’t feel particularly drawn to porn or pictures, most women like written fantasy, it is the details you get from a book you cannot get from a movie or picture, it is the racing of the heart, the shaking hands the little silly things that with any fantasy (not just sexual) brings it from words on a page to being real, even if just for a moment.

Finally, people have been saying that women criticise porn but read books like this, I mentioned risking sounding hypocritical and here’s my rebuttal, porn uses real people, books don’t. If a man wants to write down his fantasies and show them to everyone I have no problem with that, it’s his fantasy. The fact that women have done it first isn’t a better then situation, it’s just different. However this expression of desire becoming not only open but acceptable is, in my mind, essential. It gives us some control over the projection of ‘sexy’ that is fed to the world and it’s about time we had some. So ladies the next time you want to criticise this book, just think which is more offensive, seeing another woman reading a book, or being expected to look like a playboy bunny if you ever want a date?

(As a disclaimer I’m not talking about all men/women, I am talking more about the medias representation of both genders)

I have lived

I have lived,

I have met people

And touched people

And been touched

I have changed lives, just by being in them

And my life has been changed by others being in mine

I have loved

And been loved

And lost love

I have screamed

In anger and grief and pain

But I have also screamed

In joy and laughter and elation

I have reached the highest of heights

And the lowest of lows

I have seen beauty that made me weep

And destruction that made me cry

I have a voice

In my own way I make it heard

I have a life

As small and simple as it may seem

It is mine

I own it

I am living

At least for today

This world is mine. 

True Romance

I have a mild (actually fairly major but that's neither here nor there) obsession with love, romance, relationships, all that jazz. I think it's fascinating. Now part of my obsession is romantic films, part is real life. The way I think I have a different perspective is that I think that a lot of the time films have it closer to the truth then most people I know.

 I'm not sure how or when it happened but lots of people have very low expectations of love. I have met countless people who are willing to settle. Who would rather be with anyone rather then be alone. I think that is very sad. Firstly because what does that fear of being alone tell us about our self esteem or our ability to be independent. Why are  people so scared of being 'alone'. I use the commas because we are not really alone, most of us are surrounded by friends and family. We have a network of love and communication that should, in theory, be enough. This need to find someone to marry isn't an actual need. We feel the urge to procreate that's true, we feel the urge to love that's also true, but the two aren't necessarily linked.

 I know from myself that people think I'm strange because of my lack of romantic relationships. It was a choice, but not the way most people think. I have always been open to relationships, I have given people a chance and it hasn't worked out. I realised about a two years ago that the reason for this was because my expectations of the relationship were too high for those people to handle. We as a couple didn't come up to scratch. What I'm looking for is simple, I want someone who makes my life better then it is now, who makes me happier then I have ever been. If someone doesn't make my life better, why would I let them in it? If someone doesn't give me butterflies and text me or call me or try to see me everyday then why on earth would I let this person be a potential partner?

This is where I think movies have it right, in most modern romantic movies the main characters are flawed, but it is either despite or because of these flaws that they are loved. Most couples I know spend more time trying to change the other persons 'flaws' then they do enjoying the time they have together. The thing I always say to people is that if you aren't willing to change yourself for them then why should they change for you? That seems to really annoy a lot of people for some reason! The funny thing is that when two people really love each other and don't try to change the other person they end up changing more because of that person then all the nagging and pestering in the world. You are much more likely to stop doing something that annoys someone if it's your own idea and if it's not a big deal.

So regardless of the people who think I'm unrealistic. In spite of all those depressing relationships I see everywhere I believe in true love. I believe in having someone who makes me feel like the best person in the world and who I can make feel the same. I am holding out for my happy ever after and my movie kiss. I am and incurable romantic and I'm holding onto that with both hands.

How shall I compare thee...

There is a book by Michelle Magorian called A Little Love Song which I have been reading at least once a year for about fifteen years. I love it, it's a story of growing up and falling in love. The main character, Rose, is 17 and thinks she's plain and no one will ever love her. Very common feeling for lots of people. However Rose is not my reason for writing this. The thought I had while reading the book again is that every man can be put into the category of one of the two male leads. This isn't saying they'll look or act exactly the same or that women can't be put in the same categories but I gotta go with what I know from personal experience.

The two types of men, there are the Derry types and the Alec types.

Derry types are the ones who only sleep with you to impress their friends. They can be charming and funny as well as cruel and confusing. They will build you up and the whip the carpet out from under you. These are the game players who never call. They might not be bad guys but they are the ones who will make you cry. The common denominator in the Derry type is that they are selfish, have no real feelings for you and eventually will break you heart if you don't hold on to it tight. I don't like Derry types, I've gone out with alot of them (unfortunately). However through years of trial and error I've started to develop a spidey sense about these guys, can usually spot them fairly quick and run like hell. Women fall for these men lots however the arrogance of thinking their fantastic seems to have a direct effect on their intelligence and sexual skills because neither are ever impressive after more then 5 minutes.

Alec types, these are the guys who make you tea when a Derry makes you cry. They are the ones we can be exactly ourselves around. They are comfort and understanding. Laughter and challenging. They are the blokes who after you've had a bad day will make you dinner and then carry you to bed and make sure you go to sleep happy. These are quiet simply the ones who are good for us, they never make you doubt yourself or how much they like you because they don't mess about. The Alec types are the ones who we should chose every time. Unfortunately they are hard to find. Some that you do find there isn't that sexual spark and you end up as friends, this isn't a bad thing, always good to have an Alec in your life, whatever his role!

As a final observation, one woman's Derry is another's Alec, gotta discover these things for yourself. Just don't fall for the nice guy act and petty words, fall for the guy who's every act is nice and makes you laugh til you cry.

Nobody expects the Spanish inquisition...

Today I yet again found myself defending a book I like against someone who, hadn't read it, has no intentions of reading it and yet feels the need to criticise me for reading it and insult me for liking it. this is not the first time this has happened and I'm sure it won't be the last however I defend my right to rant about it because now it's really starting to bug me.

My main problem with this carry on is that while you may judge people for their tastes as teenagers, surely as adults we can accept that what books they like does not a person make! It's the same with music, movies clothes whatever personal likes you have that make you happy. First it's nobody's business and if you make it their business and they just insult it, well that's just mean. I'm all for opinion, if you don't like something you can explain why, but saying 'that's shit, I can't believe you like that, what were you thinking?' is not an opinion it's an attack. 

So have your own opinion, just only on things you've actually read, seen or listened to. If you don't like it that's fine but accept the fact that when other people do like it (shocking as this may be) that's ok too! I have rules that I follow for books, music a films and expressing opinions about them.

Books:  In the world of modern technology the fact that people are picking up books at all is a bloody miracle, let's not dis it!   

Music: You may feel 'holier then thou' with you Rolling Stones or the Beatles however Beyonce or Justin Bieber is just as valid a choice. Some people don't like songs written while on lots of drugs, some people don't like happy clappy pop, both are valid opinions, both people are entitled to make that choice and someone liking music you don't doesn't make them a bad person. 

Films: There is no 'better then' in films, I always like it when blokes insult 'chick flicks' and then go watch something like 'Never back down', which is just a cheesy and has the same end result but instead of people talking about things for the entire movie they hit each other. If you have to watch a movie with your other half find a happy medium. If you don't have to don't watch something you don't want to then it's simple, don't watch it, don't have an opinion on it and just carry on.

Just my final note, when you insult someone's tastes you are insulting them, it's not nice or smart or cool it's mean and childish. So cop on, grow up and stop judging because you wouldn't like it if someone did it to you. Rant done!

Things are happening!

There's something I like about the internet. It can be where you become public or pull focus on you or on the other hand it can be a place of ambiguity, where you can get lost and go unnoticed. I've started a few blogs over the years and never kept them up, mostly because I have the attention span of a five year old and when something sounds like fun I try it until I get bored and then stop. So this will probably be my first and last post ever (on this blog, taking the others into account it is not my first and will probably not be my last!). However I feel like writing, not a diary and yet not for other people, it's more about the prospect of other people reading it makes me think more about what I say and how I say it. Weird as this may be the fact that someone could read it is enough, they don't ever have to.

So things are happening. They really are. I have just put in my application for collage and am not a bag of nerves in case they don't let me in and am on the edge of throwing up in case they do. The idea of going into a room and telling people why I want to attend their collage immediately makes me feel like a fraud. I've felt like a fraud quiet a bit lately so it's not a new feeling but I hate it. I have this awful habit of telling people things that aren't exactly true, this is different from lying in only one way, it is totally unintentional.

 What happens is I have the truth of what I want to say and if I'm with someone I'm comfortable with that's what comes out, but if I'm nervous or uncomfortable something like the truth comes out. It'll be very similar, the general jist of the truth but it's like I'm trying to shorten what I'm trying to say. I seem to think that the person is just waiting for me to finish talking so I try and get out my thought in the quickest shortest way possible. That's not me, I'm not a slow talker but I'm a long talker, it takes me time to explain what I want. I think that's why this half truth thing happens I know that my long talking thing annoys some people so I try not to do it in just in case the person I'm talking to will get annoyed. I'm not really one who will try to make someone like me once they don't but if I meet someone for the first time I try, I think like everyone else, to show the best of myself. Except I don't show the best of myself. I show this blithering insecure mess who doesn't resemble me all that much. It seems to be a recurring theme but I've no idea how to stop it. I have the same reaction when I fancy someone, half of them must have thought I hated them because the more I like someone the less I'll talk to them and when I do they get short, sarcastic answers not because I'm nasty but because I'm terrified of making a tit of myself. I always wonder if other people feel the same, is it just me or is presenting a true and positive aspect of yourself is much harder then it sound?. I'm sure it might be for those who are very outgoing and confident and I have that aspect but you have to get to know me a bit to see it. When I first meet someone I'm shy and very uncomfortable and then I panic! Maybe I'll get over this with time. Fingers crossed!!