Things are happening!

There's something I like about the internet. It can be where you become public or pull focus on you or on the other hand it can be a place of ambiguity, where you can get lost and go unnoticed. I've started a few blogs over the years and never kept them up, mostly because I have the attention span of a five year old and when something sounds like fun I try it until I get bored and then stop. So this will probably be my first and last post ever (on this blog, taking the others into account it is not my first and will probably not be my last!). However I feel like writing, not a diary and yet not for other people, it's more about the prospect of other people reading it makes me think more about what I say and how I say it. Weird as this may be the fact that someone could read it is enough, they don't ever have to.

So things are happening. They really are. I have just put in my application for collage and am not a bag of nerves in case they don't let me in and am on the edge of throwing up in case they do. The idea of going into a room and telling people why I want to attend their collage immediately makes me feel like a fraud. I've felt like a fraud quiet a bit lately so it's not a new feeling but I hate it. I have this awful habit of telling people things that aren't exactly true, this is different from lying in only one way, it is totally unintentional.

 What happens is I have the truth of what I want to say and if I'm with someone I'm comfortable with that's what comes out, but if I'm nervous or uncomfortable something like the truth comes out. It'll be very similar, the general jist of the truth but it's like I'm trying to shorten what I'm trying to say. I seem to think that the person is just waiting for me to finish talking so I try and get out my thought in the quickest shortest way possible. That's not me, I'm not a slow talker but I'm a long talker, it takes me time to explain what I want. I think that's why this half truth thing happens I know that my long talking thing annoys some people so I try not to do it in just in case the person I'm talking to will get annoyed. I'm not really one who will try to make someone like me once they don't but if I meet someone for the first time I try, I think like everyone else, to show the best of myself. Except I don't show the best of myself. I show this blithering insecure mess who doesn't resemble me all that much. It seems to be a recurring theme but I've no idea how to stop it. I have the same reaction when I fancy someone, half of them must have thought I hated them because the more I like someone the less I'll talk to them and when I do they get short, sarcastic answers not because I'm nasty but because I'm terrified of making a tit of myself. I always wonder if other people feel the same, is it just me or is presenting a true and positive aspect of yourself is much harder then it sound?. I'm sure it might be for those who are very outgoing and confident and I have that aspect but you have to get to know me a bit to see it. When I first meet someone I'm shy and very uncomfortable and then I panic! Maybe I'll get over this with time. Fingers crossed!!